Death of Metal
How come death metal has such funny videos? They are like country music, all of their videos suck ass. I want the death metal version of Spike Jones to do one. Shit I'll be the Death Metal version of Spike Jones. Come on guys lighten up. I mean what is up with this shit anyway? In the age of the Iraq war, global warming, aging hippies, and nuclear weapons, how is a bunch of late to middle 30 ugly thirty year olds growling about Bible verses scary. They look pretty bored. I think death metal is pretty boring, the same with horror films. Is death boring, no, it is scary. Personally, I find those dudes who wear girl’s jeans scarier, them and rednecks. Who isn’t scared of rednecks? I mean you want a scary video, do a death metal version of what the hip hop guys do, “pretend” you are actually what you represent. So in the videos kill people, hire some FX intern and spend you money on buckets of blood. Or you could go the route that Slayer did and film your self superimposed in front of the Pyramids of Giza. For some reason, that shit always unnerved me.
Here are a few ideas for death metal bands who might want a video:
1. A typical Midwestern setting at a church, the band goes in and desecrates it during a Sunday church service. Bamn! ( I can’t believe I am coming up with these, sorry ) What could be more disturbing about this?
2. A take off on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You would have some hot teens getting killed by the band. (urp, I just puked into my mouth). This seems like a no brainier.
3. Animal sacrifice. I mean remember the 80’s when everyone was freaked out about devil worship?
Okay those were kind of bad and I thought of a bunch of others, which were worse, really vile shit, which I couldn’t bring my self to put down on paper.
Here are some other ideas, which will some are definitely goofy, but not as offensive.
1. A dungeon and dragons game in which the band are the characters fighting dragons and zombies and shit, only they are controlled by the kids who are playing the game. So maybe one kid looks stupid and does a bunch of stupid shit, maybe he controls the bass player, and the smart good-looking kid who controls the singer has to save his ass from some goblins or something.
2. Rehash the Nirvana “Polly” video where it is set in black and white, a sort of Ed Sullivan setting, with lots of screaming 50’s teens.
Or
Have them play at a wedding. What is funnier than a wedding singer?
Or
Better yet have them play at a funeral. And guess what? They rock so hard the dead person, grand ma, comes back from the dead.
3. (Last One) Have them play in Iraq in some ancient bombed out monastery, and super impose real fighting and people getting killed. That is real. And that is really scary. Have them show some nukes being build or billions of people, or some of the after Katrina shots where bodies were floating by and nobody did shit.
Why can’t filmmakers know that that is what is scary, real shit. Nobody is gonna get killed by a vampire. What I don’t get is that these Death Metal guys are so serious about the shit. Dude, the black arts and all of that shit, is about as serious as a Hammer Film. The Christian Coalition, oddly enough, is way scarier than any of that satan shit. How did that happen? Death Metal is going through the same creative dead end that all art forms go through before someone either tweaks it or the genre sort of becomes a history lesson. Sure there are still people painting landscapes and playing the Lute, but not as many as who are spray painting and using a computer to make music.
Anyway,
Peace, I’m Out.
End Times
read this first.
http://www.pathguy.com/mist.htmThis is some really interesting stuff. It looks like some really AD and D stuff. Notice the “A” cause this is some real “Advanced” stuff.
now you know how to deal with thisi second link
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/23.shtml This is a great article and a sign that yes, these are the end times.
Follow me into my downward spiral
I was just checking out the Bachelor’s last episode and boy that Charley makes for some compelling T.V. Anyway What I want to know is why Sarah B’s brother kept getting cropped out of all of the family shots. I think it was because he was scruffy looking. They showed him like twice by accident. Oh, god help me.
Oh and what the fuck is up with "Dancing with the Stars" Can you believe this? Evandar Holyfield dancing against J. Peterman. The End is really very near.
Crunkerific
O.k. assuming you read my last “story” I would like to continue , by saying that later that night I received a voice mail that from someone from my surf gang, which went a little like this: “Yo, what’s up? I just finished my job with the White Stripes, and now it is time to get Crunk.”. Uh, get Crunk? I know the word from Little Jon. Little Jon? Yeah, I know. Between Dave Chappelle and a few to many trips to the Blue Parrot in Playa Del Carmen. (a whole story in it’s self) I was introduced to Little Jon and “Crunk”. Now correct me if I am wrong, I thought Crunk was the name of Little Jon’s totally suck dance rap music, and his ultra ghetto version of Red Bull and Vodka. Apparently it has also made the jump from noun to adjective. What I want to know is how soon before we are all sounding like smurfs? Crunkerific anyone? Do you think there are conversations that sound like this?
Susan: hey girl, how you feeling?
Beth: Oh I am just crunking along.
Susan fo’reals? That Crunks.
Beth: Well, you saw me getting Crunk on Crunk with those mutha Crunkers.
And I can go on, should I go on? Probably not. This word is going to be the Urban Hip hop equivalent to “groovy” mark my words. Within 5 years no one will be talking about Crunk and it will be as if the word never existed. Saturday night live will include that word in skits about parents who are trying to relate to their kids and use outdated slang. It will be like cross colors, high-top fades, and flannel. FO’ Snizzle.
Here you go. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=crunk
http://www.crunkenergydrink.com/html2/
http://www.bevnet.com/reviews/crunk/
For my money I like the term Blaust. I am pretty sure it means the same thing, however it seems like instead of getting crazy and all energized, one would be sloppy –assed drunk.. I think that Blaust appeals to more to my demographic, that is to say sophisticated, erudite, and uh… inebriate, a person who likes to fall down or someone who may enjoy a drunken rant. We here at Express New 66 support Blaust over Crunk! Crunk is Junk, and Blaust is Blaust!
daydreaming of socks
Here at Express News 66, we have always prided ourselves on being able to keep our collective ears to the streets, whether it is the vitriolic of Lincoln Playa, reporting on the hottest parties, or reviewing the most important new music. Express News 66 is about the “Rolex watches and the colorful Swatches”.
With that being said, you can only imagine my horror when I was sitting in a high caliber meeting with some Italian investors, and I looked down and saw that I was the only one in the room wearing athletic socks. I then thought it might be nice to go out and get some silk socks or at least socks that I could wear with some nice slacks. I then had a 10 minute day-dream about how cool it would be to clean out my sock drawer and get rid of the socks that looked raggedy or had holes. It was a very peaceful and satisfying dream. I then thought it would be really nice to color code my socks like the Gap might do.
I have never thought about my socks much less had a day-dream about them. This can only mean that I must be loosing my edge. Slowly being driven insane by the demands that come with being the editor of the hottest Blog this side of “Freejack”. Socks are always the last thing I put on. In fact I always disliked that portion of my daily routine because I could never be bothered to match my socks. So I always spent a few minutes digging around my sock drawer looking for matches like some sort of 3-dimentional memory game. Find one sock only to put it back when I find another “more promising” sock only to find the mate of the first sock only to realize about a minute later that the mate was really the first sock.
Why now? Am I loosing my jaded lassie faire attitude toward clothing and personal appearance on my way to some sort of white picket fence Wal-Mart existence? Or am I developing some weird sock fetish. I am going to end up obsessing over the color tones of my khaki paints and brown socks? Am I going to wear khaki paints? Did I mention that the Gap figured heavily in the afore mentioned day dream? Those stark white walls remind me of a Arthur C Clark based utopia. Is that the future? Will I be turned into some sort of robot who can only function in a world where people wear crisply pressed cotton? Can a person be driven mad by the calming presence of earth tones? These are a few of the questions that I have been forced to ponder.
OK I am:
insane already
getting older
getting older and developing some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder
seeing the future.
Maybe I need a punk rock vacation. I should put away my cabernet and crack open a Hamms canned beer. I should then drink away the white, and fill my head with the dark oaken amber of Jack Daniels. What happened to me?
Anyway hopefully we can get some sort of correspondence fro the Atari tournament this weekend. I need a break, and Sal is on vacation. Maybe we can send our intern Gary Blanchard. Look for it on Monday.
Mooncalf No More?
Hey friends, Come support your good friends, mooncalf (we might change our name--got any suggestions?) at the high dive (used to be the Suite G) in Fremont. We play first! 9:30! It's only 5 BUCKS! Hope to see you all there! Matt
One of our interns here at Express News 66 received this email today. This got us thinking about great potential band names. These include but are not limited to :
Mooncalf No More
Dear Season
Fuck You Blue
Illiterate Literati
The Crypt Kicker 5
Awesome Sound
Necroabnomoly
Spindle
California Coke Binge
Rocket Powa
For others Please refer to my article fro a couple of months
Dangerous Deciple
Discipline Dangerous
Just a thought...
I think there needs to be a 15 year moratorium on having a band with the word “snake” in it. How many bands are out there with (adjective) snake(s) in the title?
Here is a little list just off the top of my head:
The Deadly Snakes
These Arms are Snakes
The Charming Snakes
Hot Snakes
Black-eyed Snakes
And I am sure I am missing some; feel free to add to this list.
While I am at it I might as well put a complete stop to the naming of a band starting with “The” and ending with a verb or adjective (nouns are o.k.). Please for the sake what is left of my sanity, stop. This is the indi-rock version of the “rap-skit”. Yes, we all know that there are lots of good bands out there who violate this trite naming convention, but I am willing to grandfather them in so they don’t have to pick a new name.
For you out there trying to think of a band name you can try this site to help you. http://www.wordcount.org/
This will really help you. Say you are a four piece, all you have to do is each type in some 4-digit number (please for securities sake don’t do the last 4-digits of you SS#), and whammo! The result is a “The” and “snake” free name.
I tried it and came up with this awesome name – Discipline Dangerous WOW!!!
All I am saying is “kids stand up and be original.” As we can agree most of the “snake” bands are really good, and many of the “The” bands are good too. But enough is enough.
Rat City Rollergirl Exhibition, for which our correspondent Darren, was an exclusive guest.
Darren about to "class this place up".
