express news 66

Death of Metal

2006-11-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

How come death metal has such funny videos? They are like country music, all of their videos suck ass. I want the death metal version of Spike Jones to do one. Shit I'll be the Death Metal version of Spike Jones. Come on guys lighten up. I mean what is up with this shit anyway? In the age of the Iraq war, global warming, aging hippies, and nuclear weapons, how is a bunch of late to middle 30 ugly thirty year olds growling about Bible verses scary. They look pretty bored. I think death metal is pretty boring, the same with horror films. Is death boring, no, it is scary. Personally, I find those dudes who wear girl’s jeans scarier, them and rednecks. Who isn’t scared of rednecks? I mean you want a scary video, do a death metal version of what the hip hop guys do, “pretend” you are actually what you represent. So in the videos kill people, hire some FX intern and spend you money on buckets of blood. Or you could go the route that Slayer did and film your self superimposed in front of the Pyramids of Giza. For some reason, that shit always unnerved me.

Here are a few ideas for death metal bands who might want a video:
1. A typical Midwestern setting at a church, the band goes in and desecrates it during a Sunday church service. Bamn! ( I can’t believe I am coming up with these, sorry ) What could be more disturbing about this?

2. A take off on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You would have some hot teens getting killed by the band. (urp, I just puked into my mouth). This seems like a no brainier.

3. Animal sacrifice. I mean remember the 80’s when everyone was freaked out about devil worship?

Okay those were kind of bad and I thought of a bunch of others, which were worse, really vile shit, which I couldn’t bring my self to put down on paper.

Here are some other ideas, which will some are definitely goofy, but not as offensive.

1. A dungeon and dragons game in which the band are the characters fighting dragons and zombies and shit, only they are controlled by the kids who are playing the game. So maybe one kid looks stupid and does a bunch of stupid shit, maybe he controls the bass player, and the smart good-looking kid who controls the singer has to save his ass from some goblins or something.

2. Rehash the Nirvana “Polly” video where it is set in black and white, a sort of Ed Sullivan setting, with lots of screaming 50’s teens.
Or
Have them play at a wedding. What is funnier than a wedding singer?
Or
Better yet have them play at a funeral. And guess what? They rock so hard the dead person, grand ma, comes back from the dead.

3. (Last One) Have them play in Iraq in some ancient bombed out monastery, and super impose real fighting and people getting killed. That is real. And that is really scary. Have them show some nukes being build or billions of people, or some of the after Katrina shots where bodies were floating by and nobody did shit.

Why can’t filmmakers know that that is what is scary, real shit. Nobody is gonna get killed by a vampire. What I don’t get is that these Death Metal guys are so serious about the shit. Dude, the black arts and all of that shit, is about as serious as a Hammer Film. The Christian Coalition, oddly enough, is way scarier than any of that satan shit. How did that happen? Death Metal is going through the same creative dead end that all art forms go through before someone either tweaks it or the genre sort of becomes a history lesson. Sure there are still people painting landscapes and playing the Lute, but not as many as who are spray painting and using a computer to make music.

Anyway,
Peace, I’m Out.

End Times

2005-06-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

read this first.
http://www.pathguy.com/mist.htmThis is some really interesting stuff. It looks like some really AD and D stuff. Notice the “A” cause this is some real “Advanced” stuff.

now you know how to deal with thisi second link
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/23.shtml This is a great article and a sign that yes, these are the end times.

Follow me into my downward spiral

2005-05-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

I was just checking out the Bachelor’s last episode and boy that Charley makes for some compelling T.V. Anyway What I want to know is why Sarah B’s brother kept getting cropped out of all of the family shots. I think it was because he was scruffy looking. They showed him like twice by accident. Oh, god help me.

Oh and what the fuck is up with "Dancing with the Stars" Can you believe this? Evandar Holyfield dancing against J. Peterman. The End is really very near.

Crunkerific

2005-05-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

O.k. assuming you read my last “story” I would like to continue , by saying that later that night I received a voice mail that from someone from my surf gang, which went a little like this: “Yo, what’s up? I just finished my job with the White Stripes, and now it is time to get Crunk.”. Uh, get Crunk? I know the word from Little Jon. Little Jon? Yeah, I know. Between Dave Chappelle and a few to many trips to the Blue Parrot in Playa Del Carmen. (a whole story in it’s self) I was introduced to Little Jon and “Crunk”. Now correct me if I am wrong, I thought Crunk was the name of Little Jon’s totally suck dance rap music, and his ultra ghetto version of Red Bull and Vodka. Apparently it has also made the jump from noun to adjective. What I want to know is how soon before we are all sounding like smurfs? Crunkerific anyone? Do you think there are conversations that sound like this?
Susan: hey girl, how you feeling?
Beth: Oh I am just crunking along.
Susan fo’reals? That Crunks.
Beth: Well, you saw me getting Crunk on Crunk with those mutha Crunkers.

And I can go on, should I go on? Probably not. This word is going to be the Urban Hip hop equivalent to “groovy” mark my words. Within 5 years no one will be talking about Crunk and it will be as if the word never existed. Saturday night live will include that word in skits about parents who are trying to relate to their kids and use outdated slang. It will be like cross colors, high-top fades, and flannel. FO’ Snizzle.

Here you go. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=crunk
http://www.crunkenergydrink.com/html2/
http://www.bevnet.com/reviews/crunk/

For my money I like the term Blaust. I am pretty sure it means the same thing, however it seems like instead of getting crazy and all energized, one would be sloppy –assed drunk.. I think that Blaust appeals to more to my demographic, that is to say sophisticated, erudite, and uh… inebriate, a person who likes to fall down or someone who may enjoy a drunken rant. We here at Express New 66 support Blaust over Crunk! Crunk is Junk, and Blaust is Blaust!

daydreaming of socks

2005-05-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

Here at Express News 66, we have always prided ourselves on being able to keep our collective ears to the streets, whether it is the vitriolic of Lincoln Playa, reporting on the hottest parties, or reviewing the most important new music. Express News 66 is about the “Rolex watches and the colorful Swatches”.

With that being said, you can only imagine my horror when I was sitting in a high caliber meeting with some Italian investors, and I looked down and saw that I was the only one in the room wearing athletic socks. I then thought it might be nice to go out and get some silk socks or at least socks that I could wear with some nice slacks. I then had a 10 minute day-dream about how cool it would be to clean out my sock drawer and get rid of the socks that looked raggedy or had holes. It was a very peaceful and satisfying dream. I then thought it would be really nice to color code my socks like the Gap might do.

I have never thought about my socks much less had a day-dream about them. This can only mean that I must be loosing my edge. Slowly being driven insane by the demands that come with being the editor of the hottest Blog this side of “Freejack”. Socks are always the last thing I put on. In fact I always disliked that portion of my daily routine because I could never be bothered to match my socks. So I always spent a few minutes digging around my sock drawer looking for matches like some sort of 3-dimentional memory game. Find one sock only to put it back when I find another “more promising” sock only to find the mate of the first sock only to realize about a minute later that the mate was really the first sock.

Why now? Am I loosing my jaded lassie faire attitude toward clothing and personal appearance on my way to some sort of white picket fence Wal-Mart existence? Or am I developing some weird sock fetish. I am going to end up obsessing over the color tones of my khaki paints and brown socks? Am I going to wear khaki paints? Did I mention that the Gap figured heavily in the afore mentioned day dream? Those stark white walls remind me of a Arthur C Clark based utopia. Is that the future? Will I be turned into some sort of robot who can only function in a world where people wear crisply pressed cotton? Can a person be driven mad by the calming presence of earth tones? These are a few of the questions that I have been forced to ponder.

OK I am:
insane already
getting older
getting older and developing some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder
seeing the future.

Maybe I need a punk rock vacation. I should put away my cabernet and crack open a Hamms canned beer. I should then drink away the white, and fill my head with the dark oaken amber of Jack Daniels. What happened to me?

Anyway hopefully we can get some sort of correspondence fro the Atari tournament this weekend. I need a break, and Sal is on vacation. Maybe we can send our intern Gary Blanchard. Look for it on Monday.

Mooncalf No More?

2005-04-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hey friends, Come support your good friends, mooncalf (we might change our name--got any suggestions?) at the high dive (used to be the Suite G) in Fremont. We play first! 9:30! It's only 5 BUCKS! Hope to see you all there! Matt

One of our interns here at Express News 66 received this email today. This got us thinking about great potential band names. These include but are not limited to :

Mooncalf No More
Dear Season
Fuck You Blue
Illiterate Literati
The Crypt Kicker 5
Awesome Sound
Necroabnomoly
Spindle
California Coke Binge
Rocket Powa

For others Please refer to my article fro a couple of months
Dangerous Deciple

Discipline Dangerous

2005-02-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

Just a thought...

I think there needs to be a 15 year moratorium on having a band with the word “snake” in it. How many bands are out there with (adjective) snake(s) in the title?
Here is a little list just off the top of my head:
The Deadly Snakes
These Arms are Snakes
The Charming Snakes
Hot Snakes
Black-eyed Snakes
And I am sure I am missing some; feel free to add to this list.

While I am at it I might as well put a complete stop to the naming of a band starting with “The” and ending with a verb or adjective (nouns are o.k.). Please for the sake what is left of my sanity, stop. This is the indi-rock version of the “rap-skit”. Yes, we all know that there are lots of good bands out there who violate this trite naming convention, but I am willing to grandfather them in so they don’t have to pick a new name.

For you out there trying to think of a band name you can try this site to help you. http://www.wordcount.org/

This will really help you. Say you are a four piece, all you have to do is each type in some 4-digit number (please for securities sake don’t do the last 4-digits of you SS#), and whammo! The result is a “The” and “snake” free name.
I tried it and came up with this awesome name – Discipline Dangerous WOW!!!

All I am saying is “kids stand up and be original.” As we can agree most of the “snake” bands are really good, and many of the “The” bands are good too. But enough is enough.

2005-02-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

Rat City Rollergirl Exhibition, for which our correspondent Darren, was an exclusive guest.

2005-02-21T12:11:00.000-08:00

Darren about to "class this place up".

Lincoln Choppin Heads

2005-02-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

What the Fuck? Why you frontin’ like gold teeth? Lincoln Playa is not a one trick pony, he the one who tricks jack-ass! Sheet! I make ends son! Niemand you done fucked up! When I see you I slap you so hard your seed will be crooked. Money Tree? Please! I loan Money Tree dollars. I am the fuckin bank, like the Bankinator. King Midas don’t got shit up on me. I got more skill than the Catskills, style so wild that it make Steve Irwin pay my bills.
I am for real kid. This little rhyme is for you, and-Blew Nutsack.

I be hustin’ for dough
Gold and jewry even though
The gold be cocked
Tha streets be blocked.

So what is a playa supposed to do?
He take a swim in a $ shaped pool.

- this part imagine mutha fuckin’ Homeboy Nate Dogg singing.

You done fucked up now
Me and Lincoln Playa gonna make the niener go blouw.
To many sucka try to bust
Lincoln is Gold the otha sucka rust.

The whole world is my ho
Ask the president, that mutha fucka know
Shit I am so on point I make priest defrocked
And make the Queen of England need to get her jewels outta hock.

Lincoln Playa, king of all Playas
Ask the Dali Lama. He dubbed me the king of the Himalayas

Nate Dogg sings this part

You done fucked up now
Me and Lincoln Playa gonna make the niener go blouw.
To many sucka try to bust
Lincoln is Gold the otha sucka rust.

Anyways, Niemand don’t you ever bait me again! I am 4-real 4-life! I thought you knew!

Darren D’Orro? What the Fuck? That mutha fucker just a wanna be Playa! Shit I saw that mutha fuckker eatin’ at Denny’s! At Denny’s! What kind of Playa gonna eat at mutha fuckin’ Denny’s ? That Beotch goes to parties? I am tha party. What parties does he go to? Tupperware parties? Fashion is for bitches. That must mean he a bitch. What else can I say? What? I about had it with this shit. I am the only reason people even read this fuckin thing. How you like that Andrew? Huh? You done pissed me off son.

I Predict a Riot

2005-02-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

The Kaiser Chiefs have done it. They made a pop song that might just appeal to almost every musical instinct that I have. From the reverb drenched guitar to the great chorus, to the vaguely rebellious subject matter, I Predict a Riot ( and I am writing this having just listened to the single about 5 times in a row and having not heard the album) kills. Holy shit brah! I don’t know if this ushers in the singles era better than anything else, but I can’t imagine the rest of the album being nearly as good as this one song. I Predict a Riot blends that eighties thing that is so popular, with… well the eighties thing that is so popular. Even the production sounds like it came form the eighties. Plus the name of the song is bad ass.
Check it out for yourself and let me know what you think. http://www.kaiserchiefs.co.uk

2005-02-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Darren D'Orro at a huge party in Las Vegas with party goers

Lincoln Playa

2005-02-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

So I thought that since it was February, a very special month, we would like to re-introduce the illustrious Mr. Lincoln Playa. Except that Lincoln feels that his time is better served “serving fools” which means that he really did not feel like writing. It is my personal opinion that he was really only a one trick pony, and that trick was only afforded by a rather hefty pay-day loan from the Money Tree. Really I think that ship has sailed anyway, and maybe we here at Express News would be better off without his macho, barely coherent ramblings. To use his own words, I think he is “Played” . Maybe it is best to remember him as he once was. I’ve talked to him in recent months, and believe me I hate to say it, but he has grown complacent and sort of sappy. He talked about all of the hurt he caused to all of those thousands of women, through the years. I think he was crying at one point. Lincoln Playa crying?

I think that it is blessing in disguise that he has chosen not to write for us. Who wants to see a blubbering has-been moaning and groaning about “those big lovin’ times” gawd…

Instead of Lincoln, I would like to introduce our fashion correspondent Darren D’Orro.
We would also like to remind everyone that this is the 5th annual month of the mustache.

World History According to Eddie

2005-01-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is I wish that I had learned this alternate take on history. I really don't need to write anything else.

http://www.spazoutny.com/ironmaiden.htm

Oh dear, it's Montreal

2005-01-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

What is up with all of these bands tearing out of Montreal? The Arcade Fire is totally tubular, and now The Dears. This is making Canada really hard to dislike. What are the Anglo-Canadians thinking? They hate the French Canadians. This must really boil their tea.

The Dears are mainly known for the enigmatic front-man, Murray Lightburn aka the black Morrissey. Whatever... They, however do sound like they listened to the Smiths, but there is nothing wrong with that. In fact more bands would be wiser to listen to the Smiths.
Eric Mcloed

Eric McLoed's top 5 music picks for 2004 #1 and 2 Plus top Five Concerts

2005-01-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

Just to finish this up, I am going to do my 1and 2nd top albums of 2004 and as a bonus the top five concerts of 2004! Holla!
Ebonics aside, There is a tie for the number two spot: T.V. on the Radio’s weirdly awesome "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes" and Modest Mouse’s Omni present symphony for all, “Good News For People Who Love Bad News” Both are completely weird and rock the shit out of me. They both really capture a creepiness and artiness that is mostly absent from most decent music, but in different ways. I will relate both bands to people I knew in college. Modest Mouse is like this guy I knew, who like to rock out, but was kind of being wierd because he liked the cache that it brought him. Many times I saw him get all worked up into a frenzy excited by music and the prospect of how others saw him in his frenzy to the music. Shallow, maybe, but still a root a good guy. That is how I feel about Modest Mouse in general. They really tapped into some weird hits from this past summer. I swear I heard “Float On” everywhere, from car stereos, independent radio, mainstream radio, an independent snowboard video, and on commercials. T.V. on the Radio was this guy who really was weird and very artistic. Sometime he liked you and you felt a strange energy emanating from him, other times he pretended not to even know you. TOTR is like that sometimes, they just have this really arty sound, which sometimes is easy to like and other times it is hard.
Number one is the Arcade Fire. They simply encompass the best elements of "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes" and “Good News For People Who Love Bad News” then filter it through some sort of machine that makes the songs epic. I am talking Master of Puppets epic. I think I am going to start capitalizing the kind of Epic that Funeral is. It is easily an instant classic. “Why do you say such things” you ask? Well listen to the album or read some of the billon other critics who go on and on about them. Just know that this is best album of 2004.

Top 5 Concerts
Kexp Benefit with Chuck Prophet
Earlimart
And the Arcade Fire
The Pixies in Tacoma
Kexp Benift with among others:
The Long Winters
The Wrens
Camper Van Beethoven
Blaust in New York City

I suppose I will be back at some point thanks for caring. Lincoln Playa is getting ready for his return.

-Good bye

Eric McLoed's Top Music Picks for 2004 #3

2005-01-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

Morrissey finally put out a new album. After what seemed an eternity, the Moz put out a great record. I know he sort of sounds the same on every album, but You Are the Quarry, out on his own imprint, really sounds different than the others. I am a bad judge of Morrissey’s songs mainly because I like pretty much all of them. That being said, the quality of songs on You Are the Quarry, is way above par. They all have that signature Morrissey sound, which basically is sort of a pared down version of the Smith’s sound. This leads me to wonder about how much imput Moz has on song construction. He does not play any instruments, yet if you put the best of this album (You Know I Couldn’t Last) next to something from Bona Drag, the music would sound natural together. Morrissey like Nick Cave knows what he likes and really has stuck with it. Really the only difference between You Are the Quarry, and an album like Viva Hate is the production sounds more modern.
If there ever is a constant criticism about Morrissey’s albums it is that they all date themselves. This one is no exception. The only thing is that the bad production is now sort of a signature. Can you really imagine Flood, or the Neptunes making a Morrissey album? I would be interested in a Steve Albini produced album, but that is really not going to happen.
The reason that this album is #3 is that unlike the common above averageness of Abattoir Blues / The Lyre of Orpheus, and the superb metal of Leviathan You Are the Quarry is a Great Morrissey album, which trumps Nick Cave and burning metal. I think I just lost some major cool points, but I really don’t care, because I have plenty of cool to waste on bleary eyed sentiment aimed at Morrissey.
My only problem (and don’t tell Wild Vet about this or he will Hate Morrissey even more than he already does) is all of the anti-American sentiment. Yeah, the US government has been burning bridges so fast they should be doing commercials for Match Lite, and it is true that this country is being run by what can only be likened to the T.V show “Texas Justice” (have you seen that? Dude isn’t even a real judge.), I would prefer Morrissey to talk about other things. I mean, I don’t think anyone who has ever listened to a Smiths or Morrissey album would be shocked to learn that the Ol’ Moz-Father does not above of Bush and his goon squad.
That is minor.
So anyway the album is really a great listen. Classic Morrissey, with a few real bangers. Oh, and skip the new re-release of You Are the Quarry, it has a bunch of sort of lame singles on it, and some couple of videos. Morrissey and his videos, geez-louise…

Eric McLoed's top 5 music picks for 2004 #4

2005-01-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

The Abattor Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds is pretty good. I mean I already knew what I was getting into when I bought it. Nick Cave. I have most of his stuff and it is mostly always great powerful music. I like the religious themes, and the brimstone talk. He has a plan to his music, and I like it.
So far this review sucks, but I really don’t care.
Anyway, the albums are possibly too long, and might have been better as a single album. Who am I to question Nick Cave though? He has been putting out the same great stuff for years now, so why does this review suck so bad? Maybe it is because I am tired. Maybe because I busted my hump all day at my thankless job, only to get a call from Niemand asking me where this stupid review is. Well, here it is I hope you like it Mr. Big Kahuna.
Put it this way Nick Cave is not ever going to put out some Jazz Fusion shit or Black Metal/Jazzerize stuff. If you have other Nick Cave records then you know what you are getting. If you are new to Nick Cave and shame on you if you are, then this is as good a record as any to start with. It plays like a greatest hits album, even though all the songs are new. The album shows what Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds do. I have been into Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds since Henry’s Dream, and have liked everything else I have heard from them.
This is my #4 pick of the year – Boo-Ya

Eric McLoed's top 5 music picks for 2004 #5

2005-01-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

Heavy metal is over. Done. Dead. Gone.
I know a lot of people still listen to it, but really the genre cannot move anywhere else with out becoming something else. I know lots of other people have said the same things, and loads of people have certainly written about it.
Many people believe metal died when nu-metal took over, but really it never died, and never will. I would also like to say that I don’t really think a true metal band should show any ironic tendencies. Leave that for Tenacious D, and dudes who smirk while doing some virtuosic guitar solos.
Again this brings me to the end of metal and the album Leviathan by Mastodon.
When I listen to this album I feel like I am going Mach 10 in an old ragged train circa 1870 and the landscape has been reduced to a bloody smear. I am serious, the last time I felt this kind of brute against the force of nature I was sitting in a friend’s dorm at Butler University blasting Cannibal Corpse, and I was 19. I am talking supernova kind of riffs. I am talking the first page of metal being Sabbath, the middle is Slayer, and the index is Mastodon .
While Leviathan is totally awesome, it is clear that metal is now at dead end. No new avenues exist. Any new metal band that comes out will sound too much like other bands already out. Metal will become like classical music, kids will study it and perform the screaming guitar solos, copy the machine gun sounds of the base drum, and will sound just like their heroes.
Of course this is not a problem that only afflicts metal; all of music builds on the work of others. Anyway I dirgress…
Leviathan by Mastodon is a brilliant work and despite being a little bit derivative is still number 5 on my list of this years album.

The New Year and the 6th Year

2005-01-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

This is it folks! The latest incarnation of Express News 66, which will take Express News 66 into it’s 6th year. Wow, 6 years!!! Who would’ve thunk it.
To start with some of the loyal readers might object to this “new” Express News 66, but to paraphrase Lincoln “this is how we do.” We wanted the magazine to be more interactive, and now thanks to the blog format you can post comments to our groundbreaking stories.
You all might have forgotten about Lincoln, but “the Playa” will be back, as will a few new writers, who will be reveled later. Wild vet is still on board as are some the other past contributors.
In the past we have focused hard on representing the truth, and that will not change.
Fasten your seatbelts…